Got slatted on my way to Philadelphia PHL yesterday on Delta "Air Lines" connecting through MSP.
Wanted to pick up a real flag for Saturday's Ghanorama.
Plus a box of cannoli from Termini Brothers to bring back to the office-mates.
Not to mention taking-in the talented Vermont jazz-rock phenomenon Phish at the Flatbrim Center in Camden NJ (the Garden State) 6/24-25/10. I was planning a terrific review with shoulder-dipping, cancer-shade and fedora sporting, finger-contorting, gas huffing Philly phan references contrasting with the west coast berk and veggie set. But all you get is this story I'm about to unfold.
Do you know "slats" from "flaps"? Flaps – on the rear edge of airliner wings. Slats – on the front edge. I notice sun coming in the wrong window of this MSP-bound yugo -- something's amiss. Pilot Jim admits that the slats are stuck in the "land" position. And we cant climb above 15,000 feet. Some freakout but I'm relaxed because I know the tallest peak in each state and the route of the plane.
Jim is cool -- we're diverting to SLC and those on the left will have a wonderful view of the Tetons – plus – good news -- "the slats are already in the landing position."
Slats are a fundamental part of the plane.
Hit the DAL robot-line at touchdown 10am MDT. Next flight SLC to MSP "is the one you are on, sir, to depart at 11am," (hey, its already at the gate) so "the plane you are on is your best option." Even if it leaves at 11, the MSP-PHL connection to see the PSH is busted, but I'm re-booked on the last MSP-PHL arriving 11pm. (I picture myself hurtling the Walt Whitman Bridge at 90mph, skidding into Camden and catching the end of the trampoline act – plus, tonight's show 6/25/10.)
The morning DAL SLC-PHL non-stop evaporated into the sky as our wounded duck was landing. The next non-stop SLC-PHL is overbooked and does not arrive PHL until after the curtain with anyway. So, as MRL would suggest, I extrapolated and worked-backward to conclude that if the wounded duck left SLC by 2:30pm MDT that I could get to MSP in time to make this last flight to PHL. Plus there was an oversold "regular" SLC-MSP flight at 2pm that "you have no chance of making sir," but was an option. I remember DRH reminding me to walk the eight miles to Coventry, so I buy some SLC wheelie-shoes.
Ask a room of fourth graders how long it takes to fix broken slats on a commercial airliner and see if anyone picks "one hour minus the time it takes to load a diaspora of temporary Utes onto the fixed plane." As they announced "departure at 11am" several other people were doing the laughing out loud for me.
I will give DAL some credit for the fantasy-announcement protocols. If the slats are broken, the departure time lies come in 30 minute increments, not your customary ten minute increment lies like when the problem is small mechanical, or plane not here, or crew not here, or weather, etc. So, the posted delays march in 30 minute increments from 11am to 11:30 etc to the witching hour of 2:30pm! So, if this plane leaves at the posted time, I'll make the trampolines! Also, credit to SLC for the free wifi anywhere warning of huge thunderstorms coming into PHL late night.
DAL didn’t "cancel" this wounded SLC-MSP "flight" during the incremental silliness (they did later after it became irrelevant)-- so they wouldn’t offer another airline to get you there. But DAL owns SLC so there was no other PHL option anyway, so I didn’t get to drop any logic bombs on them on that one.
I scouted out the oversold 2pm SLC-MSP and got onto the standby list with another "this will never work, sir."
The 2pm loads and does last call – I clear seat 44E at 2:05pm! Keeping the MRL 2:30 wheels-up extrapolation in mind – we're up at 2:45. Arrive at MSP in time for MSP-PHL, but the big board shows this last MSP-PHL is "cancelled!"
Assume it’s the storm – but lucky for me its "mechanical." The DAL boardroom re-booking concierge: "Yes, sir I have a hotel voucher for tonight and Friday night here in MSP and we have already booked you to PHL Saturday arriving in the early evening since we are oversold for tomorrow..." (its Thursday and the Vermont jazz-rock circus is in Baltimore by Saturday.) More good news – she scans my boarding pass and the fumachine spits out five $6.00 MSP food vouchers marked (IANMTU) "dinner, breakfast, lunch, dinner, breakfast." (For future reference, the MSP CPK smattering of romaine in a box is $8.19.)
Lucky for DAL, I discover that the MSP-PHL flight was cancelled after the 2pm SLC-MSP departed, so there goes the kidnapping claim for capturing me and senselessly sending me from one place I didnt want to be to another.
The polite DAL boardroom concierge understands the silliness of all of this without me even needing to explain it. But, regrettably PHL and PSH are aborted.
I abort the trip -- and the two nights in an MSP hotel room -- and accept a ride home MSP-GEG at 9:30pm that night (which ultimately leaves at 12:30am) ("Maybe you and your boyfriend could use the hotel voucher for a romantic weekend," I suggest.) She tells me: "Also, you're lucky this was cancelled for mechanical so you get a refund -- but not the potion you used." (Not the portion I "used" ?!) I break the third wall and bust out laughing "I was diverted to Utah and Minnesota because of DAL's broken slats. I'm a refugee madam – I want to go home and I want a refund, so please process the refund or get the supervisor before you get my logic dump otherwise I'm calling Time Magazine. I have until 9:30pm." You know the rest – they cant help there and "Atlanta is closed." (Refund processed this morning by Ms. MV Campbell at their CVG offices, so ask for her when you call DAL!)
Seems I only missed a 13 song Set I along with the trampolines in Set II (plus tonight's show!) See you at the Berkeley Greek…
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